Rochester, NY

I wrote a few days ago about having second thoughts. This is true. It wears on you after a while. But I think the main thing that set it off was sitting with my parents and their share group. The stability they have built is uncanny. I of course, I am the extreme opposite. Then on both Friday and Saturday nights, my dad asked if I’d like to go to dinner with them and their friends. The first thoughts were not what do I have planned. They were “how much does it cost? who is paying? is dad paying for me?” And that sucks. I am 29. I don’t want to have to rely on my dad to buy me dinner. I want to buy them dinner and anything else they need or want. I can’t do that now. I am a seeker. A seeker does not pay the bills. The seeker has to look out for #1 a lot more than usual. The seeker may have to be a little selfish here and there.

I will have to battle the societal differences and the budgetary constraints. This is what I signed up for. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If it was a waste of time, my first 2 ½ months would not have been so meaningful. Our society says you are supposed to go to high school, go to college, get a job, make as much money as you can, but a nice house, a nice car, have 2.5 kids, and yada yada yada. We get programmed to do so. Is this the right way? Not for everyone. But if you look at those who follow the path and those who don’t, the people on the path have the nice things (stability, family, financial rewards, a house, nice cars…). Those off the path have a much different road. But if you can find happiness in yourself, not in things, then you have what everyone (on the path or not) wants to have; peace.

I am off the path, way off the path. The societal pull is there. I will stay off the path and forge my own.

So, I’m back. The last few days have been spent thinking about all that has happened over the past few months. On one hand I see my bank account and wonder what I could’ve bought with all of it. On the other hand I see my bank account and know how much I’ve bought with it.

It would be foolish of me to fold the hand that I’m holding and give in to all of the things that are out there. I know I could go back to work and make plenty of money and not worry about who is paying for golf or who is paying for dinner. I could buy my parents things and take a girl I’ve never met out to an expensive meal. I could go to Vegas and not worry about losing. I could go get some new clothes that will update my same old look. I could do a lot of things. But, I choose to do this.