Rochester, NY
I left on this journey April 6. I thought about it for months prior. It seemed like the right thing for me to do. The first leg of the journey, the southeast, went better than I could have imagined. Everything fell into place for me. There was not a day that went by where I asked if what I was doing was right.
The past few days have been filled with some second guessing. It’s been great to be home and hear positive feedback from people. But now the reality of things are beginning to settle in. Maybe it was going to Vegas and giving them some money. Or maybe it was going to the wedding. Maybe it’s just been all of the travel and fatigue. Maybe it’s the transfer from savings to checking. Maybe it’s the constant moving. Maybe I need a girl to play with. I’m not sure, but it’s hitting me that I am out an island that few go to.
I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t feel on top of the world lately. I figured me being at home, with my parents’ support of the trip, with my family all around me, I would sit back and think how cool it all is. I thought this would be the time I could relax the most, recharge, and take in all that I have done. It hasn’t been going like that, at least not the past few days.
I see stability. I see friends who can buy things. I realize that I have to live hand to mouth. This is fun for a while. I guess it would’ve been different if I did this right after college. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have money and the ability to buy things without a second thought. But, I’ve had money. I could go impulsively buy something. I could go out to a fancy dinner and know that on the 15th or 30th, it would all be good.
I have been in a bad mood and hopefully getting it off my chest will change it. I love what I’m doing, but reality is settling in. I can see my thoughts straying from the experiences and learning to how much is it?
As I re read what I just wrote, it sounds like its money. At the same time, if I had a ton of money, I would still be doing the same thing. Money is the root of all evil, but it sure helps to have a bountiful supply of it. I am a rather frugal guy. I don’t need much. But I can spend it too. I think all of us would be thinking things when they see their life savings going down. I bet all small business owners go through it. They come to the crossroads where they either slide their chips to the center of the table and go all in, or they fold and go back to the way things were.
This is what it’s all about. It’s go time. Am I for real? Is this trip for real? When my back account was untouched and savings looked strong, it was easy. Now that they go down, my spirits have too.
I don’t see me folding, but I am ready to have that same fire when I left Charlotte back in April. I know it’s still there. But it is a tough battle. It goes against all that society says is right. As much as I think I am right, societal pull is strong. This will probably not be the last time second thoughts creep in. I guess I’ll see what happens from here…